I sat in my little living room scrolling through the realtor websites at all the homes I wish I could have. The ones I wish I could afford. The ones that were bigger than this one, grander than this one, more perfect than this one. I did this same routine daily; pull up each realtor site, check the new homes, and become more depressed as it seemed like it would never happen.
We have been house hunting for months and nothing was right. It never “felt” right. It wasn’t in our budget, right. It didn’t have everything we wanted, right. It wasn’t in a good location, right. And I silently grieved in my heart as I let myself become more and more involved in my feelings.
Now, we’re 5 people, living in less than 1,000 square feet. A little house, in a little neighborhood, with a little yard. The only thing that wasn’t little was the amount of discontentment that I harbored. Which was A LOT.
With my mind enveloped in all the emotions that began to well up inside of me, I’d angrily exit out of each site in a sad state of self-pity. And this happened every day for weeks on end. I slowly became this ticking time bomb that was ready to burst at any given moment.
Everything bothered me, no matter how small it was. Each time I had to cook in that tiny kitchen, I got a little angrier. And every time I tucked the kids into the same tiny bed together, I felt a little more miserable. And each time I saw my friend’s pretty houses on Facebook, I got a little more jealous.
But then my little complaints became bigger problems (to me. so for everyone around me). I saw everything wrong in my life. And everything, EVERYTHING, was wrong because of our tiny little house.
I could see all the things I wanted, but didn’t have. I remembered everytime I prayed and the Lord “didn’t answer”. I let the enemy tell me that God didn’t care. I would snap at my husband for absolutely nothing. My kids drove me insane. I don’t think I had a single ounce of joy at all.
And it was all because I was unhappy in my season. But what I didn’t realize at the time was that my “season” was all part of God’s plan.
And so I was unhappy with God’s plan.
But it didn’t end there.
I allowed the Lord to start chiseling away at all that hardness in my heart, and I began to notice my blessings again. I had begun to see that there was so many around me to be thankful for. Despite what I held inside myself as unfair, the Lord began to gently nudge me that he had a plan.
I wish I could say that it was then where all that hardness just melted away. But the more the Lord assured me that He had a plan, the more unsure I was about it. And my heart sunk lower and lower into that pit of despair once again.
It wasn’t until, by God’s grace, I realized that being happy in His plan was my choice, that my problems became my blessings.
I looked at it like this: I love my children, I let them make a lot of choices. But sometimes, I make their choices for them. Why? Because I can see the consequences, I can see what temptations/circumstances lie ahead, and I don’t want them to suffer because of it.
God does that same thing for us. My flesh may not be very happy with His choices, but I’m more apt to find comfort in His decisions, than those of my flesh. When I found comfort in the blessings that I had around me, I found peace in His will.
Where I once had frustration, I found laughter. When I felt like I was amidst chaos, things began to fall into place. At times where I was restless, I was now satisfied. Once, my mind was clouded with trouble, and now, I am overwhelmed by His goodness and with His joy.
He created me. He has a plan for me. He prepared a glorious place for me. He sent His son to die for me. So why shouldn’t I choose to be happy with His choices for me? Even if I don’t understand, it’s not God’s place to appease my flesh.
No matter what God has planned for your life, choose to be happy in that season. Being unhappy with God’s plan is saying that you are unhappy with God and that you think His way isn’t good enough. Trust the Lord and choose joy.